Ryan was my first. First concert, first autograph, first celebrity crush. He's also the one exception in my notebook. I say my book is for people who have inspired me. Yet I didn't know anything about Ryan when I met him. Rather it was everything that happened after I met him that has influenced and changed me.
In the spring of my freshman year of high school, American Idol winner David Cooke put on a concert at the same college my parents worked at. My parents scored some free tickets, so they offered them to me.
It wasn't so much the concert that excited me, but the possibility of meeting David Cooke. I mean, he was an American Idol. America chose him! On top of that, it was a small venue so it seemed plausible he'd come out for a meet & greet after. All week before the concert my mind was flooded with things I could say to him.
'What if I called him a bitch?! Then I'd have called an AMERICAN IDOL a bitch!'
Clearly I was a thoughtful teenager.
I brought my friend McKenna with me to the concert. Just before the concert, we decided to look up Ryan Star since he was opening for David. All that caught our attention was a music video for We Might Fall. It was a creative video that peaked my interest, but let's be honest, my mind was still rushing with ideas of what to say to David.
Then the concert started. Ryan put on a great show and by the end I was curious if he'd be available to meet. McKenna used the restroom during the sound check. She came back saying Ryan was out in the lobby taking pictures.
Once in line, only a few feet away, I was suddenly a nervous wreck. I had this insatiable desire for him to like me. I wanted to be his friend. When it was our turn to talk, I tried to impress him by talking about details from his We Might Fall video, as if I was an experienced fan. I wish I could remember more of the conversation we had but nothing else tangible comes to mind.
I do remember he told McKenna to kiss Chris (thinking we were a couple I'd imagine. Everyone always said we'd make a cute couple. Ha.) and smirked after he said it realizing it rhymed. We also took a picture together, but sadly that picture never made it to any social media sites and died in the bulky Nikon digital camera. So it goes. Ryan is one of the only people in my book that I don't have a picture with.
That interaction with Ryan changed me. All I could think about during David's performance was things I should have said to Ryan, questions I should have asked!
David never came out for autographs. The concert was over and people were going home. I had this strong sense of gloom that I couldn't shake. As soon as I got home I immediately added Ryan on Myspace or whatever the hell it was you did on that site. I sent him a message saying I really enjoyed the concert.
Later that night I saw the red "new message" notification and my heart sank. It was Ryan -- with the brief message of "thanks bud! spread the word." I wrote back again. I can't even remember what I asked.
I do remember the next day at school I told all of my friends about the concert. I would check my Myspace messages always hoping to see that red message which never came.
For a few solid weeks this anxiety continued. I would read interviews, watch music videos, always kicking myself for things I should have said when we talked.
By the start of my sophomore year my feelings toward Ryan had numbed. Interestingly enough, around this time was when I believe he started to get radio time on our pop stations. Every now and then I'd still send a little hook for attention. A tweet here or there. In fact, if you look back at who I followed first on Twitter, it's Ryan.
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| Me still trying to get validation. |
6 years later, I can reflect and appreciate my "Ryan saga." Here was this attractive man who exhumed this aurora of coolness. Watch his music video for Right Now and you'll see what I mean. I so badly wanted to be like him. I wanted to be grown up and living the adult life. Instead, I was stuck with 3 more years of high school.
Writing this post I realize how much of an obsessive creep I was. Visitors, if you've read this far, I get it, I'd be a little concerned too. It embarrasses me, but I also know I needed this harsh reality in order to understand the consequences of hyping up a person or moment too much. I promise my future posts will tell much different stories. Reading over this post to my roommate, he even looked a little cautious (as he usually is with my stories).
'This story is hilarious knowing you, but for people who don't, I'm afraid it might come off as...weird.'
It is weird. But it's also the truth, and the point of this was to be honest.
Full disclaimer too, I hadn't really considered the possibility that I was gay at this point in my life. I attribute a lot of my new emotions to this as well. I can't even say I'm attracted to him now after being comfortable with the notion of liking guys. Sorry Ryan -- you're just not my type! If you are ever in Chicago though let's get drinks!
-C
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| Autograph #1! |
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